HELLP Syndrome, Adoption, and Being Pregnant.

Whew. Where to begin.

Psalm 9:1-2 is a good place. “I will praise you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High. 

Meet Whittaker. Our 3.5 year old little gentleman. He’s sweet isn’t he? I’m bias, but if you’ve met him you totally follow and agree!

Asay Easter 2016-4

Let’s back up 3.5 years for just a moment. This is Whittaker immediately following his traumatic entrance into the world.

IMG_1384I was roughly 38 weeks pregnant with this sweet boy when I developed HELLP syndrome. You can read his (heated?) birth story here. After he was born and having been told it would be dangerous and/or risky for us to become pregnant again, despite feeling fairly confident we would have three biological children before adopting, we felt as though this condition was the Almighty’s way of using an awful experience for good and saying through it, ‘Start pursuing adoption now!’ So we did. Not 7 months later we were signed on with our agency and and beginning to pursue adding a sweet kiddo to our family from Eastern Europe.

Fast forward to the fall of 2015. All of our paperwork had been submitted and was in the renewal process and we had been waiting to be matched with our little love for roughly 12 months when it worked out for us to take a short trip to China to visit a few friends. You can read about that here!

I’ll pause there for a moment to fill in on, well…my feelings.

When I was pregnant with Whittaker, I had a strong feeling we would have him, one more boy, and then adopt, and when I developed HELLP syndrome and was given the medical counsel we were given, I thought, “well, perhaps I was wrong?” It took nearly two years to fully grieve and become completely content with where God had our family. We were joyful to begin the adoption process when we did and I finally, through the laying down of my own wants and desires, choosing to be content, and trusting in the goodness of my heavenly Father, was at peace with where we were. I no longer had feelings of longing upon the sight of a newborn or big bellied woman. I could even smell that new baby smell (you know the one I’m talking about) and enjoy its simplicity without a growing discontentment.

And even in my peace and believing we would no longer have another biological child, I still prayed very specific prayers over any possible future pregnancy…frequently! I would pray, ‘Lord, should we EVER become pregnant again, I just do NOT want to know. I don’t want to know that I’m pregnant until I begin to notice a growing belly or something. I don’t want to have to worry about the outcome for sooo many months.’ And I would pray, ‘Lord, the only way I would ever want to become pregnant again is if I do not become sick again.’ Those were the two things I would pray over and over again as pregnancy would come to mind. The one I prayed because in the four previous pregnancies we’ve had (2 miscarried babes, LL, and W) I knew just two DAYS after we conceived that there was a babe growing in there. I felt the same each individual time. The second I prayed because, who wants to have failing organs and a possibly pre-term newborn?

Back to China.

Remember my reference to Mr. Mai’s coffee shop/English corner? When we returned to visit with the owner, we heard about his business model, his time spent in Wuhan, as well as about his family. We in turn shared a bit of our story, about our kiddos, our adoption, etc. Toward the end of our conversation, after having gotten to know each other’s baseline stories, he turned to me and said something like, ‘You know, you sat down and I feel like I have a word from the Lord specifically for you, and I can tell you right now that you are just as pregnant right now as you were before with your other babies.’ 

Hot flash. Chest pumping (aumentan los latidos de mi corazon!). And I knew.

I replied with, ‘well, I AM 5 days late.’ And to my knowledge it was all do to the change in altitude, time, and the long flight, but as soon as the words came out of his mouth, I felt as if the Lord was saying, ‘I want you to know that I heard you – I heard your request to not know. And I want you to know.’ What a God. To clarify a bit, the owner had meant to encourage me that the kiddo we were in the process of adopting – I was just as much pregnant with him/her – he/she is just as much OURS as our bio kids. But still, I knew what God had meant through those words. And even still, we waited until we returned home to take a pregnancy test.

Less than 24 hours after landing, we purchased an in-home test which, of course, read positive.

Complete shock and denial set in. I think I probably said out loud to myself and to Tad my husband daily for the first 28 weeks, ‘We’re pregnant. There’s a baby in there. We are having a baby. This. Is. Crazy.’

Shock was followed by an attitude of, “Yeah. We’ve got this. This is great. God is good and we can trust Him. This is going to be great.”

This rockstar faith attitude was followed by depression. Anger really. I was so mad. I didn’t understand what was happening. Hadn’t I already grieved and become content with our circumstances? During this season, our church had begun singing ‘Good Good Father‘ and I. Could. Not. Sing. The lyrics are below:

You’re a Good, Good Father
It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Cause you are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways
You are perfect in all of your ways to us

Oh, it’s love so undeniable
I, I can hardly speak
Peace so unexplainable
I, I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still [x3]
Into love, love, love

In my mind (and let’s face it – reality) God’s love hurt. I was MAD. I was mad that I wasn’t promised that I wouldn’t become sick again. Sickness had dominated my life for the past number of years in a fairly substantial way and I was done. I didn’t want any more and yet, I was being carried along in an oarless boat and there was nothing I could do but trust in the one promise I did have. That He would be with me. He would be with me. HE. HE would be with me. That’s the promise. Not that sickness wouldn’t arise again – there is no promise of that. And it took a short season of constant agony to realize how purely amazing the one thing that is promised is. I knew where I needed to be and I just wasn’t quite there yet. I knew I needed Jesus to point into even darkness and say, ‘Go there,’ with my saying ‘Yes. Okay,’ filled with complete peace and confidence.

I asked. And I asked. And I asked and one day, I understood, and He granted my request and has given me unexplainable peace regarding the outcome of this season. I know that I’m not promised a healthy pregnancy. But I’m still asking for it in very specific ways from start to finish and even in the aftermath. And I know that He will do what He will do for my ultimate good and for His own name sake. Even if that means allowing me to become sick again. (After all, HELLP syndrome led to the beginning pursuit of our adopted honey!) If you read the birth story, it was traumatic. I don’t want to go through it again. When I look at Whitterboy, I think, yes, one thousand times yes! I would go through it again for you. This thought spoke so loudly of the gospel to me. That Jesus underwent an excruciating death so that I could have life.  And not only life, but his very Spirit in me. With me. Always. So I don’t have to be afraid of any sickness or death that might come.

But. A big BIG but – not mine (too much?) – I praise GOD with my whole being that thus far at 39 weeks, my blood work has remained completely and well within normal ranges. My blood pressure has been perfect every time and there are no other signs or symptoms of any approaching preeclampsia or HELLP Syndrome. Not to say it won’t come, but for now, I am oh so grateful and I will let my gratitude be known!

While my hope is not in what I can do or any diet I can follow, but rather in the God who controls all things, He has allowed us to know that there are wise ways to live and not wise ways to live, and I am doing everything I know how to maintain a healthy body and sustain a healthy pregnancy. I have completely changed my diet since I was pregnant with Whittaker and am far healthier in general now than three years ago.

In a post to come I can share about the diet I followed and the supplements/herbs I also included to help support my body and growing babe.

 

Cheers to what’s to come! We are now so excited and thankful that God chose to give us another little arrow to add to the quiver and even more excited to see who he or she will grow to become! My mom says this about me, and I’ll say this about this babe, ‘you were planned… just not by us.’

Pray with us that this would be a completely complication free pregnancy, labor and birth.  I want to be laughing at how simple it will be and then probably crying at the goodness of God. He said I can ask – so I’m asking! Ask with us!

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2 thoughts on “HELLP Syndrome, Adoption, and Being Pregnant.

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